Windy Cooler is a survivor of domestic violence within her Quaker community.
“It never occurred to me to be angry about my experience because I thought I was just alone,” she told us. “And it became clear that I wasn’t alone as I was doing child care and religious education in my yearly meeting.…As I heard the stories of people that I knew and loved, stories that I never anticipated would be true, I found a tremendous amount of anger inside myself about what was happening in our community.”
Eventually, that anger came together with the enduring love she had for her community, and she became a public minister.
Resources:
Transcript:
My work to recognize and heal from abuse as a community is entirely informed by Quaker discernment practices and by the theology of the God within. That the God inside of me needs to speak to the God inside of you, and that together we are making the space through corporate discernment for that to happen, through waiting worship for that to happen.
Healing From Abuse in Quaker Communities.
My name is Windy Cooler. I use she/her pronouns. I attend Sandy Spring Friends meeting in Sandy Spring, Maryland, and I live in Greenbelt, Maryland.
As a survivor of domestic violence in a Quaker context, it never occurred to me to be angry about my experience because I thought I was just alone. And it became clear that I wasn’t alone. As I was doing childcare and my yearly meeting and doing religious education at my yearly meeting, other women, other children, were having experiences of interpersonal violence. As I heard the stories of people that I knew and loved, stories that I never anticipated would be true, I found a tremendous amount of anger inside myself about what was happening in our community. I thought at first it was just me, and then I thought it was just my monthly meeting, and then I thought it was just my yearly meeting, and then as I kept trying to find a community to find wisdom from I realized it was all of the Religious Society of Friends. And eventually that anger turned into something else.That anger was combined with the love I felt for us, and I became a public minister.
Life and Power is born out of many Mother’s. Life and power is the culminating project, I think, of this ministry that I have carried for a decade in response to abuse. It is also the result of a fellowship with Odyssey Impact that I received in 2022, and it was brought into life by these listeners and a discernment process that I created with Margaret Webb. It is a project with so many authors and so much effort and wisdom has gone into it.
A safer space for Quaker survivors is a safer space for everyone. And I think that Quakers want to create safer spaces for each other because we do genuinely care for one another. Our religious community is one of intense personal connection, so it makes a lot of sense for us to create safer spaces for the real lived experiences of those among us.
I think fundamentally a safer space for survivors and for everyone would be a space in which there is no anxiety about telling the truth about your experience of the world, whatever it is. There would be spaces that are clearly made for telling the truth in. And I think that to some extent we already have that in our structures. But a real emphasis on accompaniment in our pastoral care is absolutely necessary for building these safer spaces for all of us. I think that simultaneous to accompaniment work, to finding our wisdom as friends to tell each other the truth about our lives, we are also going to need to find solutions to the problem of having no time. It’s absolutely essential in any relationship, including our relationships at meeting, to have the time to be tender.
Discussion Question:
- What is your experience with abuse within the Quaker community?
- What can Quakers do to create safer spaces for survivors?
The views expressed in this video are of the speakers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Friends Journal or its collaborators.
Thank you, Christopher. A powerful entry in your new career.
I am very glad this QuakerSpeak video is being released. At the same time, I wonder if there are any structured religious institutions that are free of these abuses anymore. Is there any religious sect left to be exposed? And if they are all guilty, then what do they offer that is different? If none of these protect us from the worst of humanity — and we know secular humanism doesn’t — then where are people turn who are seeking any sort of belief or hope that ethical behavior and moral grounding and a sense of belonging to a community committed can still exist these days?
I’ve seen multiple surveys that show acceptance of lying, cheating, and decreased ethical behavior are growing with each generation — 34% of Gen Z accept/expect people lying about things. Millennials five times more likely to cheat than boomers, and it deteriorates from there. Something isn’t working here, and it is a shame to discover the Society of Friends doesn’t always offer a safe haven — just like all the rest.
Simply sitting with this won’t work. What is described here isn’t consistent with what I understand Quaker faith to be and we need to call it that. I’m inspired to rewatch an early QuakerSpeak video: https://quakerspeak.com/video/the-power-of-being-quaker-in-public/
Can you increase the volume? The newer QuakerSpeaks are very soft and difficult to hear. The older “classic” QuakerSpeaks seem louder and easier to hear. Thanks.
This is such important stuff, this work of healing an entire community rather than “just” an individual (not trying to minimize the importance of the individual’s work). “The problem of having no time” just rings out.
HOWEVER, I think I loved this video because I’d heard Windy recently at the 2023 FGC Gathering so knew PRECISELY what she is talking about; the video might be a bit too vague, and would benefit from some specific *story* to make it more powerful.
This Sunday I plan to attend my first Quaker Meeting here in Portland, ME. I felt the Spirit leading me to Quakerism for the last several years but the time never seemed right until now. Windy Cooler’s interview really spoke to me because I too am coming from an abusive situation but God’s light and strength continue to guide me each day. It’s a comfort to know there are loving and safe spaces among the Quakers.
I do not understand what this speaker is talking about. With whom was she violated? And more important with whom did she use Worship discernment process to heal it- the whole Meeting? an individual? a few individuals? This was not at all helpful, but I desire to understand! My Meeting has had an “awkward” personal interactions that were never healed, just walked away from.