“What does it mean to me to be a bad Quaker?” Mary Linda McKinney asks. Behind that, though, is another question: what does it mean to be a good Quaker? “I think there are two answers: one is cultural and one is spiritual, and I’m bad at being a cultural Quaker. I think I’m good at being a spiritual Quaker.”
“I always march to my own drummer and my drummer doesn’t play the type of music that anybody around me ever wants to hear,” Mary Linda admits. “I’m pretty much a misfit in any community that I’m around, and that includes Quakers… But spiritually to be a good Quaker is to seek the will of God as an individual and corporally with others, and from that perspective I feel like I’m a good Quaker because I do want to live my life letting God’s will flow through me and I want to do that in community with others.”
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Transcript:
Sometimes sitting in worship can be excruciatingly uncomfortable. The way I describe it (and this came to me many, many years ago sitting in worship): I feel like all the other Quakers’ minds are like old Irishsetter dogs; they come into worship, they circle in front of the fire for a couple of times, and they settle into the silence. And my brain is like a chihuahua with the mailman stepping onto the front porch — just yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping. I later learned about the monkey mind of Buddhism but just constant.. constant chatter, so it’s sometimes very, very challenging and also a gift.
Am I Good Enough to be a Quaker?
I’m Mary Linda McKinney; I live in Nashville, Tennessee; and I’m a longtime member of Nashville Friends Meeting although for the last three years I’ve been on sojourn with a number of other faith communities.
So what does it mean to me to be a bad Quaker? And I actually think I have to step back from that and say what does it mean to be a good Quaker? So I think there are two answers to that: one is cultural and one is spiritual, and I’m bad at being a cultural Quaker. I think I’m good at being a spiritual Quaker.
A Distinction Between Culture and Spirit
I have severe ADD. I always march to my own drummer and my drummer doesn’t play the type of music that anybody around me ever wants to hear. I’m pretty much a misfit in any community that I’m around, and that includes Quakers. I don’t make small talk; I’m blunt but not in the good Quakerly kind of ways of being blunt. Culture is very uncomfortable for me sometimes. But spiritually to be a good Quaker is to seek the will of God as an individual and corporally with others, and from that perspective I feel like I’m a good Quaker because I do want to live my life letting God’s will flow through me and I want to do that in community with others.
Showing Up As You Are
I think God always meets us where we are, and over the decade that I have been a Friend I have been in so many different states of being and meeting for worship was both a comfort to me and a challenge for me but I was being as good a Friend as I knew how to be or was able to be, and being there as my authentic self was what I had to offer to God at that point. So I’ll say that I think when we show up that’s all God requires of us.
Discussion Questions:
- 1) What does it mean to be a “good” or “bad” Quaker? Is this a helpful distinction or a harmful one?
- 2) What is the difference between spirit and culture? Does one influence the other? If so, how? If not, why not?
The views expressed in this video are of the speakers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Friends Journal or its collaborators.
Mary Linda – you speak for me – I thought I was reading my journal. Thank-you for this. Dana
Hi Dana,
When Rebecca, the QuakerSpeak video producer, looked at my website, she saw something in it that made her want to use this theme for the interview. I agreed in large part, because I know I’m not the only one who feels this way about how they are present with the Divine and among Friends. If you’d like to have a conversation about this, you’re welcome to email me at friendmarylinda at gmail.
Mary Linda
Mary Linda,
I found a Quaker soul mate in you. I thought I was the only one who didn’t fit into the good Quaker mold. After seven years I realize that despite anything, it’s the simplicity, the Quaker ideals, and values that continually draw me in.
I go to Meeting for Worship every week.
Hi Ray,
Misfits in good company! I’m glad that what we experience in worship make our square-peg/round-hole-ness in Quaker community worth it. Feel free to email me if you want to talk more about your experiences. friendmarylinda at gmail.
Mary Linda
This is a wonderful explanation. I am a birthright Quaker, but I identify with this. I have to say, however, that there have been very few times that I haven’t felt comfortable in meeting for worship and have “gotten much” out of it. Merely slowing down and opening one’s mind is therapeutic. I miss worship when I am unable to attend.
Oh Mary Linda, you are in such good company….of those marching to their own drum, being on the outside looking in.
Buddha, Baha u llah, Jesus, Mother Teresa, Mary Baker Eddy…they all “stepped to a different dance.”
Bravo Mary Linda, you’ve given this old duffer inspiration and hope!
As an isolated Quaker, I suspected that being a Quaker kept me from community. I find that is not true. I work harder to live and learn how to live my life with God. The pandemic has been great for me because so much is available on Zoom. I do miss the physical presence of Friends, the hugs, the physical presence!
Friend speaks my mind, exactly….and I am so grateful for your honesty. Our Meeting lost a member a few years ago because he told me he didn’t feel he was good enough to be a Quaker. In the past year, I have felt increasingly unable to connect and feel different and out of sync, impatient and I have been a member since 1992. I am prompted by your sharing to continue to reflect on the nature of my worship, connection to community and my spirit guides.