Willa Taber had already been processing the emotional aftershocks of Donald Trump’s re-election last fall when, shortly upon taking office, he signed an executive order that, in essence, made her identity as a transgender woman illegal. “Even in that numbness and shock,” she says, “my response was to take my Trans Pride flag out and put it on my porch—saying, ‘I am here, I’m not going anywhere, and I’m not going to hide.”
“Joy was my guidepost through my transition,” Willa reflects. “I realized that at the age of 70, I was too old to postpone joy. I realized shortly after that that at four years old, I was too old to postpone joy, but I didn’t know it then.”
Willa is a regular attender at Three Rivers, a queer Christian Quaker Zoom-based group within New England Yearly Meeting. She knows that Christianity is often viewed, especially in the trans community, with a cynical eye. But, she continues, “any church or any spiritual organization only exists to try to provide scaffolding for a person’s spiritual growth. The place that comes from is that voice inside you… that knows what it is you need to do and is trying to tell you.”
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Transcript:
This is a very difficult time to be a trans person in the United States. As bad as the Election Day was, I think the harder day for me was the day when I read the president’s executive order that basically said, “trans people do not exist.” And at that point, I realized just my existence was an act of resistance. Even in that numbness and shock, my response was to take my trans pride flag out and put it on my porch, saying, “I am here, I’m not going anywhere and I’m not going to hide.” So many people who want to be allies with the trans community, in fact, don’t know many trans people and have never heard people tell their story — and so the one thing I can do to in this situation is to be telling my story.
I’m Willa Tabor. I’m a transgender woman. I live in Arlington, Massachusetts, and attend Fresh Pond Meeting. And I’m also a regular attender at Three Rivers meeting, which is a monthly meeting in New England Yearly meeting that meets entirely on Zoom.
When I first started HRT, which is hormone replacement therapy, I was glad to be doing it but I didn’t feel any physical changes immediately. After I’d been on it for about four months, one morning I woke up and the world had totally changed. It was the first time in my life that I had felt in touch with my body and fully whole and that I could relate to myself. And then, after I got out of bed and started interacting with other people, realized I could connect with other people as well. One of the things I thought about was George Fox, who was the founder of Quakerism, how he felt he’d come up through the fiery sword and into the state of Adam before the fall, and how the whole world seemed changed and had a new savor.
I also, in the course of my life, have read a lot of the journals of Quaker ministers. They’re often describing situations of their going off and being asked to do things that they don’t quite know why they’re being asked to do, and trying their best to be faithful to those. And I had no idea where I was going when this started, and it certainly seemed very strange and peculiar.
I have often referred to the early stages of my transition as it being a masterclass in overcoming panic. I would go into the store to buy clothes, and I was afraid of what people were going to think. You know, “what is this dirty old man wandering around the women’s lingerie section?” I would only dress in women’s clothes inside the house. I was afraid to go outside for fear of what people would think. What I came to realize [was] that I wasn’t really overcoming the fear of my neighbors or what people could think, but I was actually overcoming the effect of a lifetime of internalized transphobia. And that really I was afraid of the changes that were happening in me and where I was going, and that was the fear I really had to overcome.
Joy was my guidepost through my through my transition. I was absolutely amazed at how much joy I was finding just in wearing women’s clothes, and I realized that at the age of 70 I was too old to postpone joy. I realized shortly after that at four years old I was too old to postpone joy, but I didn’t know it then.
Three Rivers is a monthly meeting in New England Yearly meeting, and it identifies as a queer Christian meeting. I know that Christianity, especially in the trans community, is eyed with a skeptical eye. It isn’t trans people’s job to heal Christianity, especially at the risk of traumatizing themselves. In the trans community, there’s a lot of very deeply spiritual people. If you’re seeking for a spiritual community, look around and find one that fits and is welcoming. Any church or any spiritual organization only exists to try to provide scaffolding for a person’s spiritual growth. The place where that comes from is that voice inside; I will say, the ability of the divine to speak to us. There is a voice inside you that knows what it is you need to do and it’s trying to tell you. First thing I would say is find that voice and trust it and listen to it, and eventually it will lead you to the community you need to find.
Discussion Question:
- What has your experience coming out in a spiritual community been like?
- Does your meeting do a good job of providing that scaffolding for everyone? Has it been a welcoming and safe space for members of the trans community?
The views expressed in this video are of the speakers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Friends Journal or its collaborators.
Thank you for this lovely and joy-filled witness in courage by Willa Taber. Such an inspiring quest to joy replenishes my own spirit in the loving power of the still small voice within.
Brava and well said Willa! Continued JOY and peace to you!
Thank you so much for sharing your story so beautifully and for letting trans people know that they can find a spiritual path which is right for them if they trust their own ability to find the right place for themselves.
How wonderful that Willa felt that even at age 70, one should not delay joy. Finding one’s right community is key for supports that we all need throughout our lives. My hope is that in time our culture will grow up to truly be able to embrace everyone for where they are not in what is looked at as gender discovery, but more as gender affirmation.
The comment about internalized transphobia is very insightful. Wonderful presentation, Willa. Milwaukie, or