Su Penn on Quakers and sex: “Quakers are uniquely qualified to transform how we deal with sex and sexuality in our culture .”
Resources:
- Read Su Penn’s wildly popular Friends Journal article, “We Think He Might Be A Boy”
- Watch Su Penn’s talk “Let Love Be the First Motion” at the 2014 Friends General Conference Gathering
- More on educating young people about sexuality in a Quaker school from Al Vernacchio in a Friends Journal interview.
- Subscribe to QuakerSpeak so you never miss a video
- Explore the Quaker way to see if it could be right for you
- Worship with Friends! Find Quakers near you on QuakerFinder and Friends Journal’s meeting listings
- Read Friends Journal to see how other Friends describe the substance of Quaker spirituality
- Quaker Voluntary Service has opportunities for young women and men interested in social and personal transformation through service work and living in Quaker community.
Discussion Questions:
- Many of the conclusion that Su comes to in the video are based on the statement, “We understand that the same answer is not the right answer for everybody.” Do you agree with this statement? If so, do you draw the same conclusions or different ones?
- At the end of the video, Su describes the world that she would like to see for young people to grow up in regarding exploring their sexuality. With regards to sexuality, what world would you like to see young people grow up in?
- Su describes Quakers as being practiced at both support an individual’s expression and leadings, and a check on that individualism, helping to make sure that what the person is doing is healthy for them and for their community. In what community do you experience this support and accountability? How can we maintain that practice faithfully?
Transcript:
The communion that people have during sex is also a communion with God, and it can be—at its best, when it is full of that love and trust—that shared vulnerability which means that you’re taking care of each other, that you’re making it safe for each other to be vulnerable. I think of it as opening little spaces where God can come in, and I think that sex is one of the ways that we open that space. So I also think, then, that sex is one of the ways that we can experience the presence of God.
Quakers and Sex: A Call to Embrace Sexual Diversity
I’m Su Penn, and I live in mid-MIchigan, near Lansing. My primary worship group is the Friends for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer Concerns.
Quakers are uniquely qualified to transform how we deal with sex and sexuality in our culture and make it healthy and wholesome. I think that we’re uniquely qualified to do this because we believe in differences among individuals. We believe in individual leadings and, at the same time, we believe in accountability to the faith community.
So we have a lot of practice in our history of helping a person—helping people—to express themselves, their leadings, their personalities, whatever, within the context of a community that is both a support of that and a check on it, in the sense of helping to make sure that what the person is doing is healthy for them, healthy for the community, ideally comes from God, and helps to unite the individual, the community, and God.
Embracing Sexual Diversity
I think that this is exactly what we need around sex, is an openness to all the individual varieties of ways that people practice sex, explore sexually, and that everything from a person who spoke to me the other day who identifies as asexual and wishes people could hear that and not automatically assume that he’s broken somehow (he wishes that people would understand that for him, understanding himself as an asexual person actually is a healthy self-understanding and its a self-acceptance) all the way to people for whom sex is like a vocation (in the good way of being a vocation, something that they put a lot of effort into in their lives and really nurture) and even to people who practice kinds of sex that seem scary or dangerous to a lot of people.
“Sorting out the multitude of right answers”
Having 3 partners in a year, 3 sexual partners in a year, that can be a healthy choice for one person and an unhealthy one for another. And that’s where discernment comes in. That’s why we don’t get to make rules. That’s why we don’t get to say, “No more than one a year! No more than one a decade. More than two in your lifetime is bad.” We don’t get to do that!
We understand that the same answer is not the right answer for everybody. We have a lot of practice at sorting out the multitude of right answers and we have a lot of practice at really really deep listening with open hearts, and I think that those things put together have the power to transform the messed-up way our culture deals with sexuality.
“A place where Quakers can be leaders in the world”
I think this is a place where Quakers can be leaders in the world, and I think—you asked me what I want to do with our young people—is I want them to grow into that world. I want that to be the world of sexuality that they grow into, where people aren’t afraid to say, “I tried this and it wasn’t good for me. I tried that and it was.” And your explorations are also a healthy thing to do and your mistakes are not the end of the world and that thing you want to do that you’re not sure its OK: it probably is, in the right context, with the right person.
What we want most of all is to help you figure that out, and we want you to come through this without shame, without feeling judged. So that’s what I want for our young people, is for us to get around the work of doing this amazing thing that I know we can do so that our young people—that’s the world they’re raised in.
Su Penn, you have an excellent piece on Quaker Sex. Many aspects of Quaker life needs to be viewed, from this point of what is appropriate for each of us, without infringing upon others. Thank you and may the Spirit of life be with you.
Su’s talk here, was excellent. On the general level, however, the topic can appear too easy. I would like to see some commentary on the issue of fidelity as it relates to sexuality in a loving relationship. What is the meaning of a loving relationship where fidelity is, or is not, practiced? In particular, when it is not practiced – which is the more difficult case. So far, I have not been able to accept sexual behavior that is hurtful to the loved one, when it means taking on a 3rd lover, for example. Yet I know many couples who do this, claim to be able to do so and remain happy in the primary relationship. Please comment on this. What I have learned in life, is ‘yes, you can love two people honestly and sincerely at the same time; but you can’t love two people well (at the same time – because of the inability to meet their needs or because of the loss of some covenant established in the past)” I’m interested in the comments of those who think they can or do, and particularly comments from the one who is not engaged in the ‘third’. Please understand, I am not advocating for, or against, one side in this issue; this is an inquiry where I am seeking clear thinking about loving solutions to difficult problems.
Thank you Su Penn for your consideration on a “Quaker view of Sex” – to bring up an English title from 50 years ago. One thing I was struck by was that you seemed to have no point of view – other than that sexuality and sexual exploration should be supported among us. I did not have any sense of your sexual orientation – I felt blessed by this. It is none of my business and should not in any way affect my reception of your message. I am 79 and have been a Friend for 55 years. I am beginning to winnow away many of the negative voices around sex that I was brought up with. Your comments moved me further and encouraged me in the light.
I have 2 questions:
1) Do Quakers use the Bible?
2) Are Quakers Christians?
A lot of quakers are christians, but not all. Quakers are open for a lot of faiths. For some quakers Bible is the most important part of their religious life, for some another no. Of course Jesus told that we are all equal in the Name of God. All people should be treaten equally homo, hetero, bi. Homophobia it is kind of unjustice and big mistake. It was made by Jews, who were desert tribe. In my opinion it is not worth. I’m catholic for example but I collect a lot of knowledge about quaker community, which I enjoy. Sorry for mistakes but I writing from Poland so english is not my native language. I even never been in any Anglo-Saxon country.
A lot of quakers are christians, but not all. Quakers are open for a lot of faiths. For some quakers Bible is the most important part of their religious life, for some another no. Of course Jesus told that we are all equal in the Name of God. All people should be treaten equally homo, hetero, bi. Homophobia it is kind of unjustice and big mistake. It was made by Jews, who were desert tribe. I’m catholic for example but I collect a lot of knowledge about quaker community, which I enjoy. Sorry for mistakes but I writing from Poland so english is not my native language. I even never been in any Anglo-Saxon country.