When Ted decided to make the transition to male, he knew he wanted to tell his meeting, but didn’t want a flood of questions. That’s when the meeting stepped up.
Transcript:
So I was living in Sacramento when I first started thinking about transition to male and I knew I wasn’t going to start that process until I moved back to Virginia anyway because I wanted to have a more established community and my family around me for that, so it wasn’t until about 2001 that I was able to really start the process of transitioning.
How I Told My Quaker Meeting I’m Transgender
My name is Ted Heck. I go to Richmond (VA) Friends Meeting and I’m a transgender health services coordinator for the state.
It was just a matter of being my full self and I knew that Quakers would value that, even if some might struggle with it a little or be a little uncomfortable, I knew it would be valued. I think knowing that gave me sort of a foundation and support for being able to move forward.
Asking the Meeting for Support
When I figured out my timeline for beginning transition, I realized that I was going to need to find a way to tell people without having to explain it to every single person, so I asked for a clearness committee. I was pretty specific when I asked for this that I wanted the committee to help me figure out how to tell meeting. Even though I spelled it out pretty specifically, there was still some confusion among the people that I asked to be on the committee. They thought I wanted help in deciding whether to transition or not. So our first conversation was, “Nope, that’s settled. There’s no question about whether that’s happening. It’s definitely happening. What I really need help with is figuring out how to tell everybody.”
How We Told the Meeting
After sitting with that for a little while, we came up with a great strategy which was for me to write a letter that would go in the newsletter and it would be part of a longer piece from the clearness committee inviting people to contact them if there were questions so that I didn’t get all the questions. So that really went very well. I felt very supported and people did reach out to me but it wasn’t in a way that was overwhelming and people were really supportive and just really great about it. There was one individual that I later found out was uncomfortable with it and he brought his concern to Ministry and Worship and Ministry and Worship told him that it was his problem. So that was great. But anyway, I think that most trans folks do not have the experience that I had and I’m really grateful to have been so supported.
A Minute of Support
Richmond Meeting recently finally got around to doing a minute that is deliberately welcoming to transgender people. It’s interesting because I wouldn’t have thought that it would have mattered that much, but once it was happening and we were actually talking about it in the meeting, I realized that it actually did matter. It’s one thing to know that people are supportive but to have it explicitly stated in an official way and then to know that people want to take further steps to publicize that the meeting is supportive beyond just the meeting community, it really makes a difference. When there’s so many places in the world where you either feel unwelcome or you feel uncertain about whether you’re welcome, it’s really important to have space like that, and to have that as part of my monthly meeting is really important.
The views expressed in this video are of the speakers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Friends Journal or its collaborators.
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Discussion Questions:
- How can meetings best support a Friend who needs to make a sensitive announcement? Have you ever had to tell your entire meeting community something that felt scary or vulnerable?
- Ted says that his meeting publishing a transgender-friendly minute was important because, “when there’s so many places in the world where you either feel unwelcome or you feel uncertain about whether you’re welcome, it’s really important to have space like that, and to have that as part of my monthly meeting is really important.” How does your meeting make sure that people know that they are welcome?
This is the best QuakerSpeak I’ve seen because it was so genuine–so from his heart!
I don’t think of Ted as a person who is transgender. I think of him as a brave person who is in the process of accepting and wanting us to understand that physically and emotionally there is a reality of dealing with the fact that he “assumes” he has to explain to his community…
I know of few people I admire more than Ted. When Jesus said “Love one another” he must have
assumed that some of us need more love and support. I hope his Meeting will encourage him to
seek the best psychiatrist available to support and heal any wounds all of us who want to achieve
peace of mind. Ted, you are a good soul. I wish you all the best. God Bless you. Joan Kindler kindlerantant@aol,com
I watched an acquaintance (now a friend) transition to female. If I was unsure to begin with I was convinced by the end. She is so much happier as a female – she moves more freely, laughs more, talks more. I treasure her as a friend. She had the support of her wife (still married), friends and work colleagues, all of which were important to her.
I am thankful that you had the support of your meeting. Best wishes to you all,
Dana
I am a member of Richmond Friends Meeting and warmly recall Ted’s transition process. Ted grew up in Richmond Meeting and we felt honored that he wanted to share his journey with us. We are fortunate to have Ted as active contributing member of our meeting .
Clarisse Harton
I am am a family member of Ted’s family. In truth, I am Ted’s family in a way that is the definition of friend.
We have never met in person. I have met his sweet sister, and to know her is to love her.
Ted was and is Ted, a kind, educated, generous, informative, and professional
person who I instantly admired and respected just reading his posts.
We became facebook friends and quite frankly, not only had I never
had the opportunity to know a person who is transgender, I had no idea that Ted is transgender. I realized this in a comment he made awhile back after the women’s march.
I was and am so interested in what that means, but was concerned that asking questions would be offensive.
Ted and his wife Laura’s relationship
with each other is such a beacon of light and hope. I just loved them both
from the instrinsic joy that radiated from them in their wedding pictures.
I knew absolutely nothing about the Quakers, or about Ted’s journey until this post. Thank you Ted, and thank you, friends meeting, for sharing this with me. I look forward to learning more in the future. “The friends” share peace with each other as Ted always shares with everyone. I feel most blessed to have had this opportunity to listen.
♡ Lisa
A powerful and emotional piece, thanks for telling this part of Ted’s story!
I wish you had time to tell about the role BYM Young Friends played in supporting Ted’s transition, it was very important!
Ted and I were FAPs (Friendly Adult Presence) together on many YF weekends, and this was a journey we all took with Ted.
He was blessed to have such a supportive monthly and yearly meeting community.
Richmond Friends and BYM demonstrated what it means to honor that of Godde in every person, and to let your life speak. Ted’s life speaks volumes about the inner Light.
And his mother Linda Heacock, who died in 2008, would be (and certainly IS) very proud of him!
PS long term member of Richmond Friends Meeting, recently moved to NC
Ted, thank you so much for sharing your story.
That person is a Friend, and is embued with “That of God”, and is entitled to the respect and love that all sentient beings need. The appearance is what we “see” not the emotional and intellectual reality.
In this day and age, it is extremely brave to “come out”. Hold this Friend in the “Light” and before “God”. In peace, Michael
I was born female in the 1950’s. I had a congenital condition called spastic diplegia (of both legs). I was uncomfortable with my deformities which were left untreated long enough to deform my spine. I have neverbeen comfortable with all the ‘female’ clothing, hairstyles, makeup, posturing, conversations, etc. Oh, how I wished I was male ! The women’s rights movement and feminist movements allowed me, as a young adult, the opportunity to be more of myself in public. I had the opportunity to manage my own money, work, buy cars and a house that were not usually allowed women in previous generations. I support anyone who recognizes that they are not comfortable with thier gender and has the courage to change.
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